“Maternal Gatekeeping”

Maternal “Gatekeeping”

At one of our most recent Mom’s groups, some of our participants discussed the feeling of having to ‘relieve’ their partners from parenting duties. This is even when it’s something as simple as taking a shower. Upon hearing this, we had to know why this is.

What is maternal gatekeeping?

According to research conducted, maternal gatekeeping is known as a set of behaviors and attitudes that often times can encourage or limit the partner’s involvement with raising their child (Science Insights, 2026). This is a real phenomenon that has been researched within psychology since the 1990’s. There are numerous different causes of maternal gatekeeping such as, society gender roles of what it means to be a ‘mother’, perfectionist expectations, the dynamics between the parents, and even the mother’s (or primary caretakers) own attachment style.

Although often times these individuals do not even know they are engaging in this behavior, it can not only drastically affect their mental health and burnout status, but it can also affect their partner, and even their relationship. With all of this being said, it is important to remember that maternal gatekeeping is an effect of wanting their child to receive the best care and love possible. This is not an attack on mothers or primary caregivers; it is solely a reminder that it is okay to accept help.

Ways to Avoid Maternal Gatekeeping

There are a number of different resources that are available to these individuals. For starters, there are excellent podcasts, books, support groups, online communities, and so much more. A crucial step to possibly prevent maternal gatekeeping from occurring is to be informed. Some great resources we swear by at Blissful Births and Babies include;  

1.     Take a parenting class. Although this can seem intimidating and even if you feel you don’t need it, it can vastly improve not only the parenting dynamic, but the relationship between the parents as well. For a lot of people, this is a new role and sense of identity. It is important to accept help and coaching when you feel as though it may benefit you.

2.     Acknowledge the fact that everyone is attempting to do their best within this new role. Parents should aim to work together as a team, not compete with each other.

3.     Use communication to discuss needs, wants, and even expectations that have not necessarily been set by both partners. Having healthy communication in a situation such as this one can help decrease the resentment that starts to build up when ‘expectations’ are not met.

4.     Force yourself to engage in activities outside of the home, and even without your baby. It is important to still have a strong sense of self and your own identity. Although roles have changed, you still have an obligation to yourself.

5.     Focus on safety and love. As mentioned earlier, maternal gatekeeping is a result of wanting their child to be safe and receive as much love as possible. If you both have the same goals, maternal gatekeeping may be something that can be easily avoided.

Looking back

            With all of this information in mind, it is obvious why the term maternal gatekeeping exists. For centuries, women have been burdened with the unrealistic expectations and standards that have been set into place by society. In other cultures, and countries, mothers receive help as soon as they bring their baby home from the hospital. In America, there is a standard that women should be able to maintain it all perfectly. Because of this, because of hormones, and other factors such as parental attachment styles, it is understandable why maternal gatekeeping exists. In order to combat maternal gatekeeping, the most important thing we can do is acknowledge this term, and the feelings we are experiencing on a day-to-day basis. Preventing maternal gatekeeping does not only result in better mental health for the mother, but it also results in a better relationship between the parents, more confidence within the spouse, and an overall better relationship between the baby and the spouse. Although this can be a difficult thing to do, keep in mind that you and your partner are on the same team with the same goal, to keep the baby happy and healthy.

References

Degges-White, S., & Moawad, H. (2023). Maternal gatekeeping: What it is, examples, & how to stop. ChoosingTherapy.com. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/maternal-gatekeeping/

What is maternal gatekeeping: Causes, signs & effects. ScienceInsights. (2026, March 10). https://scienceinsights.org/what-is-maternal-gatekeeping-causes-signs-effects/